Resist the Tendency to Control Her (Part 5 of 9)
By Steve Chapman
While it is normal for a man to embrace his role as pro-tector of his wife, some men carry this responsibility to a dan-gerous extreme. I want my son to understand that his job as a husband is not to be a "dad" to his wife, but to be a partner with her.
There are two instances when I learned that it would be both inappropriate and undeserved to try to control my wife. The first one involves money. When archery deer season was nearing, I went to the local bow shop and ordered a dozen of the best arrows they offered. When I brought them home, Annie was working in the yard. I went to the garage and got my bow and my bucket of target arrows and carried them to the area of our backyard that I had turned into a small shooting range. The container held at least three dozen arrows. Then I went to the truck and got my new set and dropped them into the bucket. Annie observed the addition of the aluminum sticks to the already overflowing pail.
"Did you need that many new ones, dear?" she asked with a tone of doubt.
"Oh, yes, sweetheart! This gets me ready for the upcoming season." Of course, I didn’t really need them but it felt good to know there were fresh, perfectly straight shafts to mount to my quiver.
"Uh hum!" Annie responded softly.
Now move ahead about two months. The Christmas season is approaching, and we have just finished a meal at a local country-style restaurant that has an attached craft shop. Annie made her way to the ornament rack. When I entered the cash register area to pay for our meal, I saw her carefully removing pretty little tree decorations, one by one. She was up to five or six when I stepped up and asked with a sigh, "What are you doing?"
Annie knew that I was very much aware of the untold number of ornaments she already had boxed in the attic. She also knew I was not keen on adding to the stack. However, when she answered my question, I knew better than to challenge her purchase. Why? Because her answer was, "I’m buying arrows." I walked away in silence, like any smart man would do.
What was the big deal? If I allowed myself to be like a lot of husbands I know, I would try to control her spending. However, because I trust Annie’s financial sense and because I know it would be wrong if I bought things for myself and didn’t expect her to do the same, then I would be guilty of being terribly unfair to her. How a husband handles this issue is a very readable gauge for how much he tries to control her.
The other instance when I knew I could not allow myself to dominate Annie involved her driving alone to West Vir-ginia. When the health of Annie’s parents began to fail, she intensely sensed the need to often drive the 450 miles to their home to assist her siblings in caring for their mother and father. I couldn’t always make the trip with her, so she fre-quently made the journey without me. One evening, while having dinner with some friends, the hour was getting late and as we said our goodbyes Annie announced that she would be driving alone to West Virginia the next day. The host hus-band noticeably bristled and asked me with a scolding tone, "Are you going to let her drive all that way without you?"
Though I would have preferred to go along for the drive and even be behind the wheel, my response was a confident, "Sure!" He proceeded to rake me over the coals for not plan-ning to accompany Annie on such a long trip. I felt quite parented by his rebuke but responded with, "Listen, my friend, first of all, if you want to try to stop her from going, be my guest! But Annie is a grown woman and fully capable of taking care of herself. If I didn’t think she could, I would certainly have my foot on the gas pedal tomorrow." At that point his wife offered a silent but telltale grin as she stared at her hus-band. Annie smiled too as she heard me brag about her ability to take on the task of covering so many miles without me.
What do I want Nathan to get out of these examples? While his wife’s duty, as stated in Ephesians 5:22, is to be "sub-ject" to her husband, the word in the original language does not imply that she is involuntarily placed under his authority. Instead, she willingly sets herself in that position. Therefore, a husband must respect her abilities and earn her trust in his leadership. In no way should he try to lord his headship role over her. To do so will inflict irreparable damage to their relationship.
Taken from 10 Things I Want My Son to Know: Getting Him Ready for Life by Steve Chapman. Copyright © 2002 by Steve Chapman. Used by permission of Harvest House Publishers. All rights reserved.