His Grace is Sufficient
By Dianne Kerwan.
Are you pregnant?” asked the doctor, having detected a hard lump when he prodded my stomach.
A good little Baptist miss like me? This is a bit much, Doc,” is how I may have answered. Instead, No, no,” I said anxiously.
Something’s very wrong, then. You’ll have to see a gynaecologist.”
For some months I had attributed my gynaecological problems to my unexpected move to a Cheshire Home near Durban. I live in this home for disabled adults as I have Cerebral Palsy, a disability which has affected my speech and the use of my limbs. Waking up with severe stomach-ache one Sunday morning, I was forced to cancel my lift to church and visit the doctor instead.
The results of a scan revealed that I had a large fibroid, the equivalent of a six months pregnancy. A hysterectomy was scheduled for the end of March. A week later I came home.
You’ll feel so much better after your op. No more monthly hassles. Even if you do marry you’d squeeze any contemplated baby to death with your jerky movements.” My sister’s wise counsel was of little comfort when the reality of losing my womb became apparent. I had always loved babies and had looked forward to having a few of my own. Having acquired a university degree despite my disability, why couldn’t I raise children? I had heard of other disabled women who had accomplished this feat.
Knowing that I had immense value, having been created by God, the attack on my self image came as a surprise.
You’re still the same person that you were before the operation,” said the gynaecologist, entrenching my feelings of guilt.
Barring one person, everyone I spoke to who had had a hysterectomy regarded it as a blessing and not a curse. The differences in experience between myself and my married church friends with children had never worried me before. Now I suddenly became keenly aware of them. I worried about the loneliness which would follow once my parents died. I dreaded getting up every morning.
A while before I had completed a creative writing course and my tutor had suggested that I apply to become a correspondence tutor with the writing school. I had not taken this suggestion seriously. One day it dawned on me that I was behaving like the man who buried his one talent while coveting his neighbour’s five (Mt 25:14-28). I updated my C.V. and sent it to the college. Initially, I was disappointed when told that there were no vacancies. Then one morning I received an unexpected call after breakfast informing me that a vacancy had arisen. My joy knew no bounds.
With a new job it seemed as if I had come to terms with my barren state. At a subsequent Bible study several mothers-to-be took up the time discussing issues involving babies and families. Having noticed that I was upset, our pastor followed me to the car.
I thought we had come here to discuss John’s gospel, not babies,” I offered when he asked me what the problem was. I then proceeded to tell him my story.
Although both he and another elder came to see me the next day, it was only two years later when I was able to enjoy holding a friend’s baby on my lap (the mother at hand in case I ran into difficulties) that I knew that I had come to terms with the situation.
What had happened ? I can only put the change down to God’s grace and the healing passage of time. With hindsight I can see that God in His wisdom had chosen the best option for me. Being of an anxious disposition I would probably have not made a good mother. The operation brought to an end my medical problems that were causing me a great deal of stress and expense.
As a single woman, my situation hardly compares with the heartache childless married couples must experience. Take it to the Lord in prayer. Like the apostle Paul, you will discover that, given time, God’s grace will be more than sufficient to help you deal with the situation.
Dianne Kerwan writes from Durban, South Africa.