Fadeless Attraction
by Jeanette Gardner LittletonStaying attractive for your spouse is worth the effort
Jocelyn Green looked in the mirror and decided she’d focused exclusively on her new baby for too long. She’d let herself go and needed to change.
“I actually went shopping for some new clothes and had my hair done at the salon,” she explains. “So when my husband, Rob, came home from work, I was in new clothes, my hair was done, and I was wearing contacts and makeup.”
Jocelyn was thrilled by her husband’s enthusiastic response. “At that point, I realized that this is an important issue and makes a big difference for both of us,” she says.
When a couple gets married, they tend to relax around each other as they bask in security and acceptance. As a result, husbands and wives can become lazy about their appearance. While the Bible stresses that inward beauty is more valuable than outward appearance, it’s also true that physical attraction can play an important part in the overall health of a marriage.
Outer beauty
Our appearance may speak volumes about what we think of our spouses and ourselves. If we are content to give our spouse our least efforts, it is likely to show in other areas of the marriage.
For Zeta Davidson, who’s been married for 41 years, the first step to looking good is finding a good hairdresser. She also takes advantage of free makeovers at department stores to find colours that work well with her skin tone.
Just as nothing good comes easy, staying attractive for your spouse requires a sacrifice of time and energy.
“I roll out of bed each morning at 4:45 and head to the gym,” says Jeff Edmondson, a husband of 12 years. “It’s difficult to do, but I don’t get much exercise at the office, and I spend too many nights on the road eating fatty restaurant food.” He says his wife is grateful he’s taken the effort to preserve his youthful physique as long as possible.
Since part of the reason we look good is to be kind to our mates, it helps to know what they find attractive. Some assumptions we have about appearance may not make a bit of difference to our spouses. One woman felt guilty for years about being 20 pounds overweight. Then she discovered her husband had never cared about those extra pounds.
Another woman was surprised to hear how distressed her husband was when he started losing his hair. She thought he looked better than ever!
Attraction is like any other area in a marriage; it requires healthy, open discussion. Couples can ask one another: “What attracts you to me? In what areas do you think I could improve?”
Inner beauty
As we try to look our best, we should also remember that attraction goes deeper than the surface. Discern what attributes of your personality drew your spouse to you when you were dating. Perhaps it was your cheerfulness, spiritual hunger or sense of humour. Focus on how to keep those characteristics strong in your life.
“A man wants a wife who wants to be with him, a companion,” says marriage counsellor Jim Landers. “Wives need to show interest in at least some of the things their husbands like to do.”
In fact, many couples enjoy companionship while they work on being physically attractive. One couple joined a gym together. Another man says the thing that makes his wife most attractive to him is that she took up cross-country biking because he loved it and wanted her to join him. Another couple cooks low-fat meals together. Some couples shop together for clothes that both partners like.
We can also find creative ways to appeal to our mates. Jeff has learned another technique that draws his wife to him like a magnet: “I keep myself attractive to my wife by doing a lot of housework,” he says. “She works hard all day, too. So I choose to put my personal desires and projects on hold so I can help her with the house and our sons.”
Nothing in life comes easy, including a great marriage. But spending the time and energy to stay attractive is an investment that will bring returns for years to come. And when outward beauty inevitably fades, maintaining an attraction that’s more than skin-deep will keep the marriage strong for the rest of the couple’s life.
Jeanette Gardner Littleton is a freelance writer and editor in Kansas City, Mo.
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