Focus on the Family Africa

Straight Talk

By James C. Dobson, Ph.D.

I received a telephone call recently from a man who had read my book The Strong-Willed Child. It did not answer his questions. Furthermore, he said he had read my earlier book What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women, and it didn’t satisfy his needs, either.

"What I want you to write," he continued, "is a combination of those two books on the subject ‘How to Live with a Strong-Willed Woman’!"

I told him I wouldn’t touch that topic with a shovel, yet here I am about to wade into an equally volatile matter. I want to discuss the characteristic of women that men complain about most, and vice versa. In fact, I plan to speak more bluntly in this article than in any statement on the subject I’ve ever written. That should be enough to win me some enemies among both sexes, but the time has come for straight talk to husbands and wives.

Perhaps you know that the divorce rate in America is now higher than in any other civilized nation in the world. That is tragic. Even more distressing to me is knowledge that the divorce rate for Christians is only slightly lower than for the population at large. How could that possibly be true? Jesus taught his followers to be loving, giving, moral, responsible, self-disciplined, honest and respectful. He also explicitly prohibited divorce except for radical circumstances of infidelity. With these instructions, He provided an unshakable foundation for a stable and loving relationship between husband and wife. How can it be, then, that those who claim to have accepted Jesus’ teaching and devoted their lives to Christian principles are hardly more successful in maintaining harmonious families than those who profess nothing? There’s an enormous contradiction tucked within those words. As Howard Hendrix said, "If your Christianity doesn’t work at home, it doesn’t work. Don’t export it!"

The truth is, the same circumstances that destroy non-Christian marriages can also be deadly in the homes of believers. I’m not referring to alcoholism or infidelity or compulsive gambling. The most common marriage killer is much more subtle and insidious. Let me explain.

Suppose I have a counseling appointment at four o’clock tomorrow afternoon with a person whom I’ve never met. Who is that person and what will be the complaint that brings him or her to me? First, the counselee will probably be Mrs. Jones, not her husband. A man is seldom first to seek marriage counseling, and when he does, it is for a different motive than his wife seeks it. She comes because her marriage is driving her crazy. He comes because his wife is driving him crazy.

Mrs. Jones will be, perhaps, between twenty-eight and forty-two years of age, and her problem will be extremely familiar to me. Though the details will vary, the frustration she communicates on that afternoon will conform to a well-worn pattern. It will sound something like this.

"John and I were deeply in love when we got married. We struggled during the first two or three years, especially with financial problems, but I knew he loved me and he knew I loved him. But then, something began to change. I’m not sure how to describe it. He received a promotion about five years ago, and that required him to work longer hours. We needed the money, so we didn’t mind the extra time he was putting in. But it never stopped. Now he comes home late every evening. He’s so tired I can actually hear his feet dragging as he approaches the porch. I look forward to his coming home all day ’cause I have so much to tell him, but he doesn’t feel much like talking. So I fix his dinner and he eats it alone. (I usually eat with the kids earlier in the evening.) After dinner, John makes a few phone calls and works at his desk. Frankly, I like for him to talk on the telephone just so I can hear his voice. Then he watches television for a couple of hours and goes to bed. Except on Tuesday night he plays basketball and sometimes he has a meeting at the office. Every Saturday morning he plays golf with three of his friends. Then on Sunday we are in church most of the day. Believe me, there are times when we go for a month or two without having a real, in-depth conversation. You know what I mean? And I get so lonely in that house with three kids climbing all over me. There aren’t even any women in our neighborhood I can talk to, because most of them have gone back to work. But there are other irritations about John. He rarely takes me out to dinner and he forgot our anniversary last month, and I honestly don’t believe he’s ever had a romantic thought. He wouldn’t know a rose from a carnation, and his Christmas cards are signed, just ‘John.’ There’s no closeness or warmth between us, yet he wants to have sex with me at the end of the day. There we are, lying in bed, having had no communication between us in weeks. He hasn’t tried to be sweet or understanding or tender, yet he expects me to become passionate and responsive to him. I’ll tell you, I can’t do it. Sure, I go along with my duties as a wife, but I sure don’t get anything out of it. And after the two-minute trip is over and John is asleep, I lie there resenting him and feeling like a cheap prostitute. Can you believe that? I feel used for having sex with my own husband! Boy, does that depress me! In fact, I’ve been awfully depressed lately. My self-esteem is rock bottom right now. I feel like nobody loves me… I’m a lousy mother and a terrible wife. Sometimes I think that God probably doesn’t love me, either. Well, now I’d better tell you what’s been going on between John and me more recently. We’ve been arguing a lot. I mean really fighting. It’s the only way I can get his attention, I guess. We had an incredible battle last week in front of the kids. It was awful. Tears. Screaming. Insults. Everything. I spent two nights at my mother’s house. Now, all I can think about is getting a divorce so I can escape. John doesn’t love me anyway, so what difference would it make? I guess that’s why I came to see you. I want to know if I’ll be doing the right thing to call it quits."

Mrs. Jones speaks as though she were the only woman in the world who has ever experienced this pattern of needs. But she is not alone. It is my guess that 90 percent of the divorces that occur each year involve at least some of the elements she described – an extremely busy husband who is in love with his work and who tends to be somewhat insensitive, unromantic and noncommunicative, married to a lonely, vulnerable, romantic woman who has severe doubts about her worth as a human being. They become a matched team: he works like a horse and she nags.

Part 1: Straight Talk	Part 2: How Deaf a Man Can Become	Part 3: To the Husbands	Part 4: To the Wives	Part 5: A Man and His Wife
Today’s men feel assailed by complex and often contradictory demands. In the fully updated and revised edition of Straight Talk, noted Christian family psychologist Dr. James Dobson stakes a clear path through the confusion of men’s roles—at every stage of adulthood. This pull-no-punches, clear-headed book belongs on every family’s bookshelf!