Making Time To Be Head Of The Home
By Dr Arnold Mol
Whenever I read in the Bible that the husband (and therefore the father) was the head of the home (Ephesians 5:23) it scared the daylights out of me, for it meant that one day I would have to give an account before God about the things that took place in my home. My children have now all left home, but at the time I realised that I could not leave the upbringing of our children to my wife, even though she spent a great deal more time with them than I did.
I came to understand that I, as a father, was responsible for establishing the rules in the home (obviously with my wife’s input). I was in charge of determining our parenting approach that would shape our children’s behaviour. I was responsible for the disciplinary practices that our children would be subjected to; for determining the kind of behaviour that was rewarded and the kind of behaviour that was not allowed in our home, as well as deciding for what offences our children would be spanked. In addition, I had to decide what other kind of punishments would apply for offences that did not warrant a spanking, yet were essential to teach our children the consequences of their behaviour.
I, as head of the home, had to establish our parenting policy; my wife executed that policy, but only in my absence. Just recently I counselled a couple who were having problems with their 10-year old daughter. It turned out that the burden of the upbringing and the discipline was left entirely in the hands of the mother. In fact, she was quite taken aback when I pointed out that the only time a mother should ever discipline a child is when the father is not at home – otherwise it is his duty.
In Ephesians 6:4 we read: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” How do fathers “exasperate” their children?
First of all, by their absence. I do not mean by the fact that you have to go to work. Toddlers soon come to understand that daddy has to go off to work each day. They wait in eager anticipation for daddy’s return – and that’s where the problems start, because daddy remains emotionally absent. He is too busy with work that he brought home, or work that needs to be done around the house, or the newspaper that has to be read, or the TV that needs to be watched.
The words, “I don’t have time,” do not mean that other fathers have more time than you do. It simply means that “other things are more important” to you. Naturally there will be days when you have some genuinely urgent matter to attend to, and the children understand that, but when the “absenteeism” of the father becomes a pattern, the child soon learns that “other things are more important than I am,” and the long-term effect is devastating. My own father spent a great deal of time with me hunting – and we established a close bond of friendship, yet there was one incident that still hurts when I think about it. When I was still in high school I won the provincial Men’s Open Diving Championship. The swimming pool was only 500m from our home, yet my parents did not think it important enough to come and watch me perform. One incident like that by itself does not leave a lasting scar, but if that becomes the pattern, it can leave life-long scars.
The saying that “it’s not the quantity of time but rather the quality of time that matters” is misleading. You cannot spend quality time unless you spend quantity time with your children. For me (and I was often away from home) it was “proportionate time” that mattered. I told my children that when I got home my time would be theirs. That wasn’t easy. Sometimes I would get home from two heavy days of seminar teaching, and as I walked in the front door a child would say, “Hi dad, how about a game of table tennis?” The answer would mostly be “yes,” and I would have to get up in the early hours of the morning to do my own thing.
The second way that fathers “exasperate” their children is by being inconsistent. When you are in a good mood the children may get away with things that would arouse your anger if you were in a bad mood. Punishing children unexpectedly, for example, creates tremendous emotional insecurity in a child, because he is not sure of “his world.” That is why it is so important for a dad to lay down well-thought-out rules in the home, and to let the children know what they can expect.
Our children knew they would be spanked only if they deliberately disobeyed us. They would never be spanked for accidents, poor school marks, or impulsive misdemeanours. If they were told to pack away their toys and they did not obey, we would give them one warning (just to make sure that the instruction had registered with them); if they did not then obey, it would mean a spanking. However, if we told them to put away their toys, and they obeyed, but halfway through started playing with the toys (because they are children), that would not warrant a spanking. The fact that our children knew beforehand what the consequences were of their misbehaviour, and it was applied consistently, gave them a great deal of self-confidence. But it meant that father and mother had to sit down and agree on the parenting policies – and it is the father’s responsibility to initiate such discussions.
Our society is crying out for fathers to take their God-given responsibilities seriously – and God has promised that He will give us the wisdom to carry out that assigned role (James 1:5).