M = Maximize Her Needs, Minimize Her Faults. (Part 2 of 9)
By Steve Chapman
With high hopes that a girl will be convinced that her affections can be safely entrusted into his care, a boy can dis-play some amazing skills with the “emphasize her needs, over-look her faults” principle. For example, an unbetrothed fellow will sit at the table where the damsel of his dreams has prepared some tasty morsels. He picks up a biscuit made by the lovely hands of this delightful maiden. As he squeezes it to break it open so that he might butter it, he discovers that the item he has in his hands is not bread—it’s a stone! It could have been used in the sling of David to bring down the giant Goliath. Knowing that Goliath’s skull would collapse under such hardness, the boy has no doubt that his teeth would never be the same. Yet he understands that maximizing her needs and minimizing her faults must be the rule of the con-quest. So, with a willingness to sacrifice his grinders, he bites into the biscuit. Afraid to smile for fear of revealing the pos-sible new gaps in his dentures, he crunches, all the while offering an approving expression. She smiles.
Then his love sits down to eat with him. When she puts the spoon to her mouth he finds joy in the sight of her red lips, which he thinks are so beautiful and that he longs to kiss. However, what happens next serves to test his resolve concerning his pursuit of her love. When she starts chewing, the noises she makes rivals that of an entire battle with swords and cannons. For a moment he mentally grimaces, but then remembers, maximize her needs; minimize her faults. So he remains silent while she chomps away. With a willing resolve to ignore her odd trait, he presses on until at last, one day she lets him win the love pursuit. Finally the wedding vows are exchanged.
The years of matrimony go on and the two are living in bliss…until…one too many of his teeth have suffered her baking and suddenly her ear-damaging chomps get the best of his good nature. Somewhere along the way, there comes a reversal of the premarital attitude that had served him so well. He begins to maximize her faults and minimize her needs. When this happens, things get really tense. The affections the woman confidently placed in his hands are threatened. His patience with her kitchen and table habits, as well as all the other things that were once lovely but now barely toler-able, is wearing thin. What can the young lover do?
This is what I want my son to know. First of all, the description of the two lovers is not that of his parents. Granted, Annie and I have had our bouts with some things that were ignored during the dating days, but we have learned how to deal with them. As a husband, I have come to under-stand that what was an instrument of conquering before the marriage vows must become the instrument of keeping after-ward. If this metamorphosis does not take place in a man’s heart, the potential for wounded feelings is far too great.
While there very well may be some character improve-ments that one mate can help the other accomplish, this must be done with great wisdom and gentleness. The high goal of a man lovingly accepting the imperfections of a woman while focusing on her deepest needs can be obtained if he knows Christ. That keeping tool can be found in Philippians 2:3,4:
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
And just as Jesus gave His life for us, so should the hus-band do as stated in Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” In Christ alone is found the epitome of a good husband.
As husband and wife, Annie and I have come to grips with certain things about each other that have the potential to put bad notes in our rhapsody of love. For example, we don’t think alike on a plethora of issues. Though this is true, we have decided not to let our differences create a wedge between us. Just like chili would be bland without the spices, so would a marriage be without differences. Conceding to this attitude has served me well as a husband. The fact is, one has to yield to the other’s uniqueness from time to time. The following song Annie and I sing as a duet lists several of the things we disagree about even to this day; yet, we remain the best of friends.
I want my son to know that if he will see his wife’s needs as more important than his own, he can have the same joy.
Incompatibility
Steve: I like a little mayo
Annie: Mustard is my thing
Steve: Make my bread as white as cotton
Annie: I’ll have wheat with seven grains; And a little candle glowing when we eat is what I like
Steve: I need to see what I’m consuming So please turn on the lights
Annie: I go to bed before the news
Steve: I’m still awake at 2 A.M.
Annie: I’m up before the chickens
Steve: If I can I’m sleeping in; I like wearing hunting clothes
Annie: I like hunting clothes to wear; I’ll always ask directions
Steve: I’ll find my own way there
chorus—
Steve and Annie
We’ve got incompatibility
Everywhere we turn
But still we stay together
‘Cause there’s a lesson we have learned
That if this man and woman
Were in every way the same
One of us would not be needed
And wouldn’t that be a shame
Annie: I like a walk in the park
Steve: I would rather run;
How far can we go on empty
Annie: I’ve never seen as fun
Steve: I like talking with my buddies When we’re teeing off at ten
Annie: My greens and conversation Are a salad bar with friends
Annie: My feet are like December
Steve: Mine are like July
Annie: While I’m piling on the blankets
Steve: I lay there and fry
Annie: I married Ebenezer Scrooge
Steve: I married Mrs. Claus
Annie: While I’m watching Casablanca
Steve: I’d rather be watching Tennessee football
chorus—
Steve and Annie
We’ve got incompatibility
Everywhere we turn
But still we stay together
‘Cause there’s a lesson we have learned
That if this man and woman
Were in every way the same
One of us would not be needed
And wouldn’t that be a shame.
Taken from 10 Things I Want My Son to Know: Getting Him Ready for Life by Steve Chapman. Copyright © 2002 by Steve Chapman. Used by permission of Harvest House Publishers. All rights reserved.